So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
