He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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