Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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