batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
