Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
