If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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