I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
