i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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