That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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