Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
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