if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
