i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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