you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
