Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
