I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
