Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
