We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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