I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
