i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
