would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't deserve a penis
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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