Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
