Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
