Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
