4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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