Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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