you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
