Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
