So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
