So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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