after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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