my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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