I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
