hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
