Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
