I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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