I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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