Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
