I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
