So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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