I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize