The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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