I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
