Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
