Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
