I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
