Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize