Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
