A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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