This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment