If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Houston, we have a squirter
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How does one acquire holy water?