hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm jealous of your bromance
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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