Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
