I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
