It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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