dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Blood and glitter go together right?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
