i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
