So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
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