It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
