Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
