hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
