I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
