Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
