Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
