My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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