I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
smell my finger.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
