Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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