Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
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We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
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But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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