my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
