It's Friday. Sex?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
