That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
